So many of us have been dancing in and out of groups throughout our lives. If it’s our high school friends that went their separate ways, or close neighbors that we lost touch with after moving away.
But some groups are tighter than others. And if you find yourself lost and wandering, it could be because you’ve been rejected or you’ve collected enough courage to leave the warm nest.
My father left home when I was 11 after becoming orthodox religious. I believe it was more than his faith in god that appealed to him, I believe it was the community around the idea that lured him to leave his old life and devote himself to the collective.
Recently, I met my sister from my father’s second marriage. She’s 20 now and ready to conquer the world with her gifts, but she can’t make the first step out of the orthodox community. One step out, she knows, is enough to close the doors behind her, leaving her alone in a parallel world with different rules and different culture. Even when a religious community becomes toxic in the eyes of the individual, the difficulties in escaping it are immense. The temptation to come back to “safety” never truly disappears.
Andrew is still dancing. In and out. Trying to find his place. Born into a mormon family in northern England, Andrew knew nothing else but living in a “cult”.
“I was brought up with community being an essential part of life. We ate with our community, celebrated with our community and even got married inside the community.”
Mormons have a strong sense of communality that stems from their doctrine. Many members dedicate much of their time to the church and abstain from activities that might divert them from the “correct” path. They place high importance on family life and fidelity, with marriage being recognized only as between a man and a woman. LGBT members of the community remain in good standing in the church if they abstain from homosexual relations and obey the law of chastity, but unsurprisingly most of them choose to leave the church.
Andrew was not an exception, but after growing up in a spiritual environment, he struggled with the lack of direction and looked for a new guidance. In the aftermath of disassociating from such a tight community, he was led to another, and started to practice Buddhism. Spiraling deeper and deeper into that discipline, he decided to take the next step and join a local monastery as a monk, restricting himself from all human desires again, this time by choice.
Being queer in a heterosexual world has never been easy. But I often ask myself what causes a person to taste freedom and then shut that door again? Are social ties more important than living your own truth? Is it possible that the shame involved in our sexual desires is still so present in the modern world of the 21st century, that it leads us to conform so strongly?
Andrew thought he’d found meaning in practicing Buddhism, but something in him refused to give up.
“I was alone for a very long time inside the group, and even though I had the support of the group, I was still yearning for a partnership and to share intimate moments with someone. Being a monk is a wonderful thing, but eventually nature is taking over to remind you what you were made for. To reproduce. That’s a part of evolution.”
Sexual desires are certainly hard to lock down, but those weren’t the only reasons Andrew grew apart from the Buddhist practice. Conflicts with the the leader of the Monastery (and probably also with himself) made him question his life choices.
After 5 years as a monk, Andrew got into a new relationship with a man. It was the final straw after all those question marks. Andrew had to go with his heart and start a new life with his partner.
“Was it love or just an escape route?” I wonder aloud, knowing the struggles he’s facing in his relationship today.
Andrew stays silent.
In the fifth decade of his life, he’s still scared to go solo.
Andrew cracks the silence eventually. “Isolation is the worst thing we can experience,” he says, “We die due to isolation.”
But what price are we willing to pay to be a part of something bigger? Can a group infinitely enable an individual rather than restrict them?
Today, Andrew lives in a small town in the UK. He’s once again testing the water in a queer community, however this one seems to have some sense of empowering individuals rather than making them adhere to a certain norm.
Now he’s begun to explore how confidence in career conflicts with confidence within one’s self.
Andrew spent 20 years as a social worker and started training as a psychotherapist. He’s managed to keep a fully booked calendar. This new territory is important for his independence, but the experience also raises few questions.
“As a professional, I’m really successful in doing what I do. I’m sitting in the chair, acting as the therapist. The interaction is limited and usually in a single direction. But within a community, I’m terrified being on the other side where I’m just being Andrew, not the therapist, and people can judge me for what and who I am.“
As he continues to confide in me, I understand how his desire to belong became a phobia, rooted in low self image and insecurities (perhaps a result of being a cog in a machine rather than an individual).
“In group situations, I frequently judge myself thinking I’m the most boring person in the room. I avoid group dynamics because I’m afraid of being judged and feel insecure compared to other people that attract more attention from others.”
I can’t get a handle on my confusion. This conversation has brought about questions and theories I hadn’t thought about. I try to balance an attentive ear and my inner thoughts, but my thoughts weigh so much more.
There are definitely traumas in communal living but also many benefits. What is the right balance in group dynamics that will enable deeper individual exploration while encouraging more confident self expression?
My curiosity tips the scales the other direction, and I’m balanced and back with Andrew, asking him what path his intuition is taking him on. “Would you consider returning to a community? And if so, would it be one with hierarchical structure or one without leadership?”
“I don’t know how a flat hierarchy works, but I prefer something more collaborative. We are suppose to be a part of a tribe. We have been doing that for thousand and thousands of years. Once we’re in that rhythm it’s hard to drift apart… I know that I’m not done with that dance. In and out. But the next time I go in, I must be able to be myself.”
The next step in this tango is way out of his comfort zone. In the near future, Andrew is planning to travel the United States for few months to explore more about queer communities and tribes. Hopefully this will help him to finally release himself from the shackles of his past experiences, and start a new dance, one that is more connected to the heart.
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